Soul searching

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, soul-searching if you will, during my recent stay in the land of the unemployed. As my nest egg dwindles, my anxiety grows.

When you're a kid, people always encourage you to have big dreams. Why is it that once you're in the double digits you're supposed to put those dreams away for “real life”?

Recently I saw the woman who used to live in the house directly behind my childhood home and that brought back a lot of memories. Suddenly, I remembered that well before I could actually write I used to make up and deliver newspapers for my neighborhood. I would scribble made up stories on notebook paper, then roll up the pages and go from house to house delivering what I called “the news.”

This is a picture of what my neighbors were kind enough to pretend was what they had been waiting for “all day!”

I learned to read and write when I was five. I remember sitting at the kitchen table with “One Fish, Two Fish” by Dr. Seuss for hours that night. I was determined to figure out how those symbols were deciphered into words that made sense to me. I wanted to be able to put down on paper all the stories that were in my head and all the feelings that were in my heart.

Once I learned how to read I was insatiable. I read by night light, had my head on my desk (to read the book that was on my lap) and my two favorite gifts were new books and fresh notebooks.

I was in the 5th grade when my English teacher asked for my permission to use one of my stories as a worksheet for future classes. The feeling I got from that experience is indescribable.

I seemed to have been born with a passion for the written word but then another bug bit me…acting. My mother brought me to acting classes and I found I had a knack for “becoming” my character. I was good at it and it became what I dreamed of doing with my life. My parents divorced and money was tight so those classes, unfortunately, were one of the things that had to be cut. As a teenager when I joined the workforce I did go back for awhile and got good reviews all around. I got pregnant with my daughter at 19 and theater just no longer seemed to be an attainable occupation. I always meant to start writing again but it just never seemed to be the right time.

I find it incredible just how fast the years fly by. Suddenly you look around and say, “What the fuck am I doing here? I hate my job! What happened to all the plans and dreams I had when I started this adventure that is my life?” It seems like it was just last week when those dreams were within reach.

My point is that I need to find a job which, considering the present state of the economy, I fear will be no easy task. Do I really want to jump right into another job that I hate? Is it alright to chase after the dreams that seemed so possible just yesterday? Is the fact that I’m daring to entertain these thoughts just downright selfish? Is there a time when it’s just too late?

I’d really love to hear any thoughts and/or opinions on this.

Luna’s Story Pt.2

During this time Luna was in a relationship with a guy who was having some issues. She never discussed it with anyone because it was his business. She had spent the last couple of years helping through the problem he was having.

About two years later Luna was talking to her brother about the upcoming Christmas get-together, "I’m not sure if I’m going to go,” she said. "I don’t think I can take another year of being the invisible person.” His response? “I don’t blame you. To be honest, it even hurts to watch.”

Right around the same time Luna had finally decided to call it quits with the boyfriend. It turns out he was an addict. She had been standing by him through repeated attempts on his part to stop. The last time after he got out of rehab and stumbled yet again, he scared the hell out of her daughter with his erratic behavior. This had never happened before but she’d  be damned if she’d ever let it happen again.

So anyway, around Christmas Luna begins hearing that her father is being quite vocal about the break-up and is blaming HER. According to what she’s hearing it is his opinion that she is an asshole to be breaking up with this great guy! There was quite a bit more that he said but I think you get the picture.

Luna gets him on the phone to make Christmas plans and asks him about what she’s been hearing. He admits to saying what she had heard and tells him the reason behind it. He goes silent for a bit then says (get this), “Well, how was I supposed to know that? You never told me that! So of course I ASSUMED…”

You see how that works?

“You never thought that maybe, just maybe, you should have asked ME?” Luna responded.

I’m ending this here, but does anyone have any opinions on this so far?

Luna's Story Pt.1

Let’s see what you think of this one…it’s the true, very personal story of my friend, *Luna. She has given me permission to use this here. I actually know both sides of this story.

Luna hasn’t spoken to her father in about 4+ years…

This is the back story.

As a young girl Luna was very close with her father. Her parents split when she was twelve and her father met a woman, *Belinda. Luna was very cold to Belinda, which in my opinion is probably the norm in this type of situation. Belinda not only made it impossible for the Luna to have any alone time with her father but she also never failed to make a snide comment about Luna’s mother.

Meanwhile Luna and her father, having no “quality time” together began to grow apart. She grew up and he changed drastically as well.

So, time goes on and the distance between them grows. They got together for Christmas and he takes her to dinner around her birthday…but the conversation was limited. It consisted of the inane questions that you ask of a stranger as you try desperately to form some sort of connection, “Seen any good movies lately?” was the type of thing he would ask.

Luna attempted to reach out to him on several occasions and although each time he admitted that it was indeed him creating the distance, he never did anything to rectify the problem. Actually he usually didn’t return her calls and on the rare occasion that she got him on the phone his response would be something like “I’m busy. Is this important?”

Flash forward—One day Luna gets a phone call from her dad. He is calling to inform her that he has cancer. “No big deal,” he says. “Going in for surgery and I’ll be fine. I just wanted to let you know.”

In the months that followed Luna’s dad not only returned her calls but frequently called her just to see how she was. I recall her saying to me, “Wow! I’m remembering what it’s like to have an actual ‘Dad’.” She sounded so happy telling me that she had called him on the spur of the moment and he had come out to meet her and her kids at the mall just to play air hockey in the arcade.

Well, a year or so goes by and her dad is declared cancer-free. I distinctly remember how lighthearted she seemed when reporting this amazing news to me.

Unfortunately I can also recall with great clarity shortly after…when he went right back to his former behavior. This is what she said to me about it,

“To be honest, I feel as if he was only trying to make amends, like he thought ‘Oh shit! I might die from this! I better try to right my wrongs’ then when the scare was over he thought ‘why bother?’ and THAT hurt more than not having him all those years.”

I’m going to stop for today but this story is not over yet.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this so far?

*Names have been changed.

Opinions Anyone?

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"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others. ~Moliere

I have always been amazed at how quickly people form opinions or pass judgment on others, usually with very little information on the actual situation (you can usually forget about actual FACTS) and how fast the gossip flies.

I’m talking about when someone takes in one side of a story, just one person’s point of view without bothering to ask for the other side or worse, not even considering that there might BE another side.

I have a knack (sometimes it feels like a curse) of putting myself in the other persons shoes. The majority of the time it’s a good thing because I can “see” what other people may have been thinking or feeling at the time regardless of it being “right or wrong”. I say “curse” because even when someone does ME wrong I can see where they may feel it was right. In the simplest terms, I can see how they may justify their actions to themselves.

I promise that i will post the times that this has happened to me and when I have NOT found it acceptable.

What do you think makes people form these types of opinions?

Technorati Tags: gossip,opinions,judgment,people,empathy,wrongful judgment,the other side of the story,amazing

Interesting...? (It is to ME anyway)

Does anyone else get into "punk" rock? I'm listening toThe Ramones right now & I want to jump all over the place. I've been up for about 24 hours and WAS exhausted until it hit this spot on the playlist & I DON'T feel SEDATED!! I mean, HEY HO LET'S GO!!! I WANNA DANCE!! I mean...are there people who don't get revved up by the Blitzkrieg Bop?

I ask because not that long ago I was watching a Joy Division video online and my uncle was nearby and informed me that it was crap...I told him flat out that I loved it. Joy Division, The Violent Femmes etc, they have always had an amazing effect on me.
He looked at me as if I'd lost my mind. Keep in mind that this was the uncle who probably had the most influence on my musical taste, being more like a brother at 7 years my senior and buying me my first albums(Kiss, Queen, Cheap Trick, AC/DC etc)

I also love Kiss, Incubus, L.L.Cool J, Aldo Nova,The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Feist, Disturbed, The Moldy Peaches...the list goes on & on but punk has a special place in my heart.

Does anyone else feel that as well?