All my life….

All my life I have been told that I am “unique” “an individual” “different” and these terms are not always used in a complimentary way. I’m the first to admit that I do have my own way of looking at things, that’s true. I’ve decided to make a list of the things that I’ve been called out on…the good (in my opinion)  AND the bad.
· I don’t gossip—this drives most people crazy.
· I can’t help but see both sides of a situation—again, drives people crazy (myself included sometimes)
· I don’t usually make judgment calls.
· I’m pretty big on letting people be who they are.
· I always need to know WHY?  People hate this, especially the accepting type.
· It’s extremely rare for me to decide whether I like or dislike someone right away.  It can take years sometimes.
· I hate being told or expected to do ANYTHING.  Seriously... I can be about to do something that I want to do but if someone tells me I HAVE to it's as if I physically CANNOT.
· If I trip,  or do something stupid, I tell people about it!
· I would rather be in pain than uncomfortable…I know, crazy right?
· I rely on a combination of logic +my instincts.
· I eat only when I’m hungry…regardless of the time.
· I do what I want when I want…most have a HUGE problem with this one.
· I am the one who will give $5 to the person who is out of gas and tell them to give it back to someone else.
· I am also the one who will give $5 to that guy who has been out of gas 3 times this week at the same gas station & get called a sucker but I don’t care!
· I actually DO “drink coffee at midnight when the moment is not right.” But WHO SAYS WHAT’S RIGHT? WHO THE FUCK ARE “THEY?”
· I guess that when I’m given an inch…I take a mile? Whatever that means.
· I admit when people I don’t usually agree with are right (or good at something.)
· I can spend days (or weeks) alone and be perfectly alright with it.
· I actually do that last one & I call it a sabbatical.
· I actually like men better than women…mostly.
· I actually LIKE my boyfriend.
· I love to drink & do it whenever the mood strikes.
· I love to read-which surprises people…I’m never sure how to take that?
· I do things my way. This is usually a combination of ways I was shown & my way.
· I used to be very up-front with my opinions until a tragic event in my life caused me to be much quieter (I was actually called “more like a radical wallflower” recently.)
This list is getting a bit too long. I’ll have continue it;)
I’ve found that 99% of the regrets I have in this life stemmed from allowing others to convince me to go against my instincts. I think I’m done with that.
I’ll make my own mistakes from now on.

Fuck ‘em all;)

Soul searching

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, soul-searching if you will, during my recent stay in the land of the unemployed. As my nest egg dwindles, my anxiety grows.

When you're a kid, people always encourage you to have big dreams. Why is it that once you're in the double digits you're supposed to put those dreams away for “real life”?

Recently I saw the woman who used to live in the house directly behind my childhood home and that brought back a lot of memories. Suddenly, I remembered that well before I could actually write I used to make up and deliver newspapers for my neighborhood. I would scribble made up stories on notebook paper, then roll up the pages and go from house to house delivering what I called “the news.”

This is a picture of what my neighbors were kind enough to pretend was what they had been waiting for “all day!”

I learned to read and write when I was five. I remember sitting at the kitchen table with “One Fish, Two Fish” by Dr. Seuss for hours that night. I was determined to figure out how those symbols were deciphered into words that made sense to me. I wanted to be able to put down on paper all the stories that were in my head and all the feelings that were in my heart.

Once I learned how to read I was insatiable. I read by night light, had my head on my desk (to read the book that was on my lap) and my two favorite gifts were new books and fresh notebooks.

I was in the 5th grade when my English teacher asked for my permission to use one of my stories as a worksheet for future classes. The feeling I got from that experience is indescribable.

I seemed to have been born with a passion for the written word but then another bug bit me…acting. My mother brought me to acting classes and I found I had a knack for “becoming” my character. I was good at it and it became what I dreamed of doing with my life. My parents divorced and money was tight so those classes, unfortunately, were one of the things that had to be cut. As a teenager when I joined the workforce I did go back for awhile and got good reviews all around. I got pregnant with my daughter at 19 and theater just no longer seemed to be an attainable occupation. I always meant to start writing again but it just never seemed to be the right time.

I find it incredible just how fast the years fly by. Suddenly you look around and say, “What the fuck am I doing here? I hate my job! What happened to all the plans and dreams I had when I started this adventure that is my life?” It seems like it was just last week when those dreams were within reach.

My point is that I need to find a job which, considering the present state of the economy, I fear will be no easy task. Do I really want to jump right into another job that I hate? Is it alright to chase after the dreams that seemed so possible just yesterday? Is the fact that I’m daring to entertain these thoughts just downright selfish? Is there a time when it’s just too late?

I’d really love to hear any thoughts and/or opinions on this.